a couple days ago, i was writing about the stages of an all-nighter. right now im living the stages of a really, really bad hangover.

1:30 am. try unsuccessfully to go to sleep, can’t because of a bad case of the spins

2:00 am. try walking around, but this only ends in you falling on your face because you’re stumbling in a circle.

2:15 am. time to worship the porcelain throne.

3:00 am. you can’t shake the desire to stay there, cradling the base of the toilet in your arms, thinking you might be able to sleep on the bathroom rug, even though if you were sober, you wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole.

3:30 am. your friend finally convinces you that sleeping on the floor in the bathroom is not really the best of ideas, and that you might want to at least consider sleeping in a bed.

4:00 am. another trip to the bathroom

4:15 am. finally, you lay down and the room is not spinning.

8:30 am. wake up for the first time, your stomach feels like it is in a vice. your head feels like someone is inside, beating the sides of your skull with mallets. no way are you getting up. no way.

9:15 am. bathroom. maybe some water. but even water makes you feel nauseous.

9:47 am. ugh, why can’t you just fall asleep again? why do you keep waking up? you try to drink water again but end up spilling it all over. also, you now notice your clothes hanging from the lamp and your credit cards all over the floor. what is going on? what is wrong with you???? wait…do you have all your credit cards?

9:50 am. panic attack ensues

9:57 am. whew, you do. for some reason, your capital one card is in your shoe.

10:30 am. finally, fall back asleep.

11:00 am. okay, maybe you should drink more water. you almost fall down the stairs going to the kitchen though, and then realize you’re only wearing one slipper. and your shirt is on backwards.

11:30 am. water mission is successful and now you’re back in bed.

11:32 am. pass out.

1:30 pm. wake up, realize it’s ONE THIRTY, and it’s a monday and you’re hungover.

1:32 pm. tell yourself, “i’m never going out again.”

but seriously guys, i’m never going out again.