I just drove from MI to MO to visit my awesome family for the holiday. I’m glad to have the chance to spend this special time with the people I love.

But the 12-hour drive today reminded me: one of the greatest gifts you can give me and the rest of America is courteous driving on the highway. Specifically, if you are not passing anyone (on your right), then YOU NEED TO GET THE F OUT OF THE LEFT LANE (sound familiar?). If we hang out in the right lane and enter the left only to pass another car when necessary, well the world will be a better place.

Map of the Dwight D. Eisenhower System of Interstate and Defense Highways. That’s what it’s actually called. “Defense” refers to the most insidious of our intrinsic insecurities – bad drivers. Image: fhwa.dot.gov

Don’t get me wrong. I am very impressed that you have the brightest f*ing headlights on the market, so that once I finally get to pass you – dangerously on the right – seeing you in my rearview mirror is like staring at the sun. But all the headlights in the world don’t make it alright for you to just camp out in the left lane, not passing anyone, clotheslining 2 lanes of traffic, and probably eventually leading to the shutdown of the highway system that Eisenhower and the dying American auto industry created for your enjoyment.

Also, just so we’re clear: If you 1) camp in the fast lane, and/or 2) have gratuitously bright headlights, you are the worst person in the world.